There are the moments where we step out on faith. Perhaps we’ve been at this spirit journey long enough to know that there is always a net (you know, “Leap and the net shall appear”). In this case—in my case—perhaps it’s about finding wings….or about trusting that in Infinity free fall takes on new meaning.
So, now I’m approaching four weeks into this free-fall of being Home-Free. I’ve come, so to speak, to the end of my rope. The calendar is wide open from here; my plans and planning have reached their known end. On Sunday I came to Milford, PA to teach Reiki to a friend, and she has opened her magnificent home flush with the sound of rushing water to me. There are endless possibilities where I go from here. For now is the hard work of actually staying.
Here comes the real test. Part of me wants to plan, scramble, create, worry, and to get moving. The larger part of me, heavy with the moon, tired from the adventure of living so deeply with others, over-satiated from constant travel, and wise to the enticement to “do things” as distraction from what is, is calling for a stopping.
Not that I’m not feeling resistance. Not that part of meeting my mum at a café today, and sitting here with my lap top being “productive” long after she left, not that using the rain as an excuse not to trundle back through the streets to a soft nest and my yoga mat, wasn’t to keep me in the illusion that there is anything I can do in this moment.
My friend and hostess found me out in the yard yesterday soaking in Sunshine, wrestling with my mind that said I should do SOMETHING and my body and being that reported being quite busy within the context of their current activities. She said, “You are doing such good work. It’s hard work, listening.” I squirmed, feeling the rightness of her words, and yet struggling through layers of conditioning to let them in. “I see you gathering,” A. said. “When I see you sleeping, reading, lying in the yard, I can see how you are gathering strength, information, sunlight. You are preparing for what comes next. “
My heart is relaxing as the tears stream down my cheeks. It is so precious to be seen in such a way. “You have important work ahead. Now you need to gather.”
I have a Mother Fear with which I’m doing battle right now. I use the term Mother Fear literally in two ways—the first is that it comes from my mother (the magical, powerful, being who is supporting my process in new ways—not only through love and concern, but also often through being an uncomfortable and unwitting catalyst for stepping further into this Mystery. I love and thank my mother.). Secondly, this fear is a deeper root of many of my other fears and places of holding. It is a Mother of other fear.
Somehow, I imagine that if I actually stop seeking a “solution” or “certainty (or worse yet truly surrender into this unknown and listening to Spirit) I’ll never get clear and I’ll sink into a dark pit of ineffective uselessness. My experience, increasingly, says nothing could be further from the truth.
I’m committed to a personal policy—when something is clear act directly, swiftly, and boldly. When the next action is not clear, sit down, shut up, and get still.
I have my work cut out for me. Blessed be all those who support me on this journey. And blessings to all beings; may this deep work be of benefit.